Quarter of Dutch people secretly look into partner’s phone
Curiosity seems to get the upper hand in relationships, both among young and old. Research by ThePhoneLab shows that 27% of Dutch people sometimes look at their partner’s phone without knowing. Relationship therapist and sexologist Vanessa Muyldermans sees in practice that this behavior mainly occurs when doubt or distance creeps into the relationship.
In many relationships, the phone is hardly private anymore
On paper, trust in relationships seems to be pretty good. 67% of Dutch people share their access code with their partner and 62% think it is normal to be allowed to look into each other’s phones. Need a quick look-up or read a message on each other’s phones? For many Dutch people, this does not seem to be a problem at all.
But in practice, things are not always so relaxed. Over a quarter (27%) admit to having secretly looked into their partner’s phone on occasion. Also, 27% suspect that their partner does this to them. And 9% actively monitor their partner’s social media use, for example by checking likes, comments and new followers.
Why we secretly look into each other’s phones
Muyldermans recognizes this pattern. “Access codes are often shared at times when things are going well in a relationship. Then people don’t think about what that could mean later. They’re in love and everything is fun and it doesn’t seem like a big deal at the time.”
When doubt or uncertainty arises, people often choose the quickest route to clarity. Just looking into a phone then feels easier than engaging in a difficult conversation. “It’s often easier to seek answers through something external, such as checking a phone, than to look within yourself or enter into the conversation.”
In practice, she sees this happening mostly at times when someone feels insecure or emotionally further removed from their partner. Still, checking rarely provides real peace of mind. “Any means can be bypassed or abused. Messages can be deleted, apps hidden, photos manipulated.”
“What people have on their phone is often more personal than what’s on their nightstand,” adds Boris Blijham, founder of ThePhoneLab. “You notice that in the store, too. Sometimes someone brings their partner’s phone in for repair, and then it turns out that the access code is unknown or doesn’t work. That shows how much we take for granted that we know each other’s digital lives, when that is far from always the case.”
Sharing access codes: openness or keeping up appearances?
Sharing access codes may at first glance seem like a form of openness, but Muyldermans says that image is not always accurate. “Personally, I’m not in favor of sharing access codes because then we start putting trust – wrong or unhealthy – in a resource. Partners thus create a false sense of trust and avoid the core. That’s unhealthy and can ultimately lead to bigger problems.”
This is precisely why she says it is important for couples to think about it more consciously. “That’s where for me the critical point is: consciously thinking about this and thinking about why you would or would not want to do this. And then talking about this as a couple. You then know each other’s motivation for doing or not doing something, so you also have an informed and understood agreement about this.”
Many couples assume they think alike about privacy and phone use, but that is far from always the case. “Partners cannot smell from each other how the other person thinks about something,” he says. According to Muyldermans, trust ultimately lies not in a phone, but in the person themselves. “Based on conversations and what you have experienced, you decide as an adult: I want to trust my partner.”
No youth problem: all generations peep in
Interestingly, sharing access codes and sneaking along does not appear to be tied to age. In almost all age groups, many partners have access to each other’s phones. And sneaky peeking also occurs among all ages. Among Dutch people up to 60 years of age, about 30% admit to having occasionally looked into their partner’s phone without their knowledge.
